Relationships
Dear Jamie,
Your feelings are understandable. After all, your brain, mind, and body are the products of millions of years of evolution. Your brain circuitry largely dictates your relationship patterns and your predisposition toward certain body types. However, your girlfriend may be experiencing stress or the symptoms of depression that need to be addressed. There are several issues at stake in your question. The first is your natural tendency toward appreciating certain body and face types in women; the second is your level of emotional commitment to your girlfriend; and the third is your girlfriend's own psychological needs.
First, let's address your biological instincts. The reasons for your being drawn to females with specific body types is not "shallow," as you suggest, but it is animalistic and unconscious. Research has consistently shown that heterosexual men have certain preferences in female body types. While not all men have the same taste, there are some common factors found across cultures. For example, "men are irresistibly drawn to the curve of a woman's waist," and especially to women who have specific waist-curve ratios (DeNicolo, 2013, p. 1). There are important evolutionary reasons why you are drawn to a slimmer, more athletic body type than the one your girlfriend currently has. The female body type represented by a narrow waist and curvy hips represents "maximum fecundity," (DeNicolo, 2013, p. 1). In other words, your subconscious mind sees that certain females are ready and able to bear children. Whether you have been thinking actively about having children or not, it means you are drawn to healthy women. Your level of attraction to your girlfriend is the way your body and brain are responding to the sight of both your girlfriend and other women.
Your girlfriend has not only put on weight, she has also stopped exercising. Perhaps this signals to your brain that she is not as healthy as she once was....
Therefore, it's not necessarily that she has put on weight. Your lack of attraction to her at this time may have nothing to do with her weight at all, but to your subconscious impressions of her health. This is something that you might want to speak directly with her about, as it is certainly possible she is not feeling healthy and would appreciate some advice. When you do confront her, make sure you note that it is her health and not her weight or size you are concerned about. Interestingly, researchers have found that men are actually more attracted to plumper women because plumpness indicates wealth and health (DeNicolo, 2013).
The second issue is related to your level of emotional commitment to the relationship. You do seem committed to the relationship. After all, you have not yet acted on your desires toward other women. Your emotional commitment is why you wrote the letter. You do want to save your relationship, but are not yet sure how to go about doing it. You are unhappy, and so is your girlfriend.
Therefore, your emotional attachment to your girlfriend will be the cornerstone of healing whatever is going on with both her and you. You express some concern that you are being '"shallow." It is possible that your aesthetics might have been swayed by consumer marketing imagery of waif-thin models in magazines. This may be causing some self-esteem issues with your girlfriend as well. However, based on what you have said, there is more to it than body image alone in your case. Your diminished desire for your loved one has to do with your knowing she is not happy. It is not because she put on weight. Likewise, your girlfriend has been working too hard to take care of her fundamental physical needs.
As part of your commitment to your girlfriend, you may need to get physical. As Smith (2014) points out, touch and physical intimacy are healing. Perhaps you need to look at her body differently. Perhaps you may need to speak with her…
